Monday, December 5, 2016

How to Get Laid in 5 Easy Steps - A Short Story.

Now you can also listen to the stories!



“Women looove children, so if you have a niece or a nephew, be sure to put them up as your wallpaper,” said the guy in the video on the 'How to Get Laid' Youtube channel.



Nakhul unfortunately did not have a niece or a nephew. He switched to the browser on his phone and searched for '7 years old kid,' quickly swiped through the resulting images, and clicked on a cute picture of a girl. Options > Save as wallpaper.



With that done, he straightened himself up and refocused on his targets: The attractive twins standing at the bar. He started to walk towards them. His heart started to go crazy, pounding against his chest wall mercilessly like a cook pounding on his dough. But Nakhul wasn't fazed. He knew this would happen. The Youtube guy had an entire series of videos explaining 'The Fear of Rejection,' 'How to Fake It Till You Make It!' 'How to Project Confidence,' and 'How To Instantly Boost Your Self-Confidence Using Psychological Tricks That Scientists Had Kept Hidden For Hundreds Of Years and Now Finally Revealed.'



Nakhul sharply inhaled and thrust his chest out and straightened his back. Another technique.



Reaching the drop dead gorgeous twins, he didn't slow down. He walked right inbetween them as if he didn't notice them having an intimate conversation with each other. He leaned over the bar towards the bartender and said,

“Hey man, get me another beer, will ya?”



From the periphery of his vision, he can see that the twins were taken aback by his sudden intrusion and were exchanging surprised glances at each other. It was time for him to unleash the beast. To play his trump card.



He pulled out his phone and, making sure that it was well within their line of sight, unlocked it. On his clutter-free home screen was the cute picture of the kid.



He waited for a few moments giving them enough time to notice the picture, then turned around looking at them with 'projected surprise' on this face. And smiled.

“She's very cute!” one of the twins said nodding towards his phone.

“Oh ya! My niece!” he said.



They had taken the bait.



He shoved the phone towards the one who was talking. The other twin pushed in wanting to take a closer look.



Now Nakhul stood sandwiched between the two eager women.



“Do you have more pictures of her?” said one of the them. Shit.
“How old is she?” cut in the other.
“10!!” he exclaimed. Thankful. Now, he had to make this work.



“She's a handful! I just spent the day with her. Whew!” he said mimicking wiping sweat off his forehead. The women laughed.

“Hey, you guys by yourselves? Wanna join me at my table?” he said, a tinge of desperation in his voice.

The twins looked at him, then at each other, and then with a smile said, “Ya, sure!”
“Great! The drinks are on m......” they turned around to head towards the tables and almost walked into a man standing behind them.



This 'man' had an air of aristocracy. He wore a suit that looked like it cost a fortune. The huge diamond-studded gold watch on his wrist sparkled in the pub's colorful lights. And on his arm was a little dog. A Yorkshire Terrier.


“Oh, sorry!” said one of the women. The man looked at the twins amusingly. Then with a naughty smile said,
“Ah, no! It was my fault. How can two fine ladies like you 'ever' be wrong?”



The twins shared a chuckle. The dog licked one of the twin's arms. She cringed and moved away at first, but then laughed and started petting the dog. The other twin followed suit. As Nakhul watched this happen, he started to feel a divide forming between him and the twins. Who was this fucking guy anyway? Doesn't he have even an iota of decency??



“Hey, dogs aren't allowed in the pub!!” Nakhul found himself shouting. He was surprised by his own outburst.



They turned to look at him. Nakhul felt a drop of sweat forming on his forehead. The AC of the pub made it ice cold and it started to burn into his skin. The man stared at him. His smile had vanished. His right eye quivered. Was it rage?



Nakhul remembered seeing a sign stating that no pets were allowed, but he wasn't sure if it had been at another bar. He noticed 2 bouncers moving through the crowd.
“Hey guys!” he shouted at them, “Are pets allowed in here??”
“No sir. No pets allowed,” said one of the bouncers with the seriousness that all bouncers apparently possessed.
“This man here has brought in a dog!!” Nakhul said victoriously, pointing to the man. The bouncers started walking towards them like 2 robots on a mission. They stopped short of a few feet from the man and just stood there, looking at him, fidgeting.


“Ask him to leave.” Nakhul put in helpfully. The bouncers looked at the man, then at Nakhul, then back at the man again, and said,
“Sir, is everything alright?”
“Yes, Rakesh, everything is alright,” the man said.



The bouncers gave Nakhul a momentary stare before walking away like robots on a different mission. The man now had the smile back on his face.

“I dont like to brag, but I 'own' this pub,” he said.



The twins let out a chuckle and almost sounded relieved. Nakhul felt the blood drain from his face.



He had lost the battle. He remembered that the Youtube guy had a couple of videos for just this sort of a situation: “How To Be The Alpha Male In a Group,” “How To Get The Girl's Attention,” and “Highly Guarded Secrets That Ancient Egyptians Used To Get Laid That Had Been Buried in Time For Thousands Of Years, But Now Finally Revealed.” But Nakhul had not gotten around to watching them. May be he was too much in a hurry, too unprepared. One of the twins let out a loud sneeze. Her eyes started to water.


“Are you alright?” the man put in helpfully.
“I think she is allergic to dogs,” the other twin put in.

Another loud sneeze. This was Nakhul's chance.



Nakhul grabbed them by their arms and started to pull them away from the man saying, “Oh no! You guys better get away from the dog!” Nakhul noticed that the man was staring at him, his eye quivering more noticeably now.



Nakhul dragged the women to a table at the corner. He showed them to sit at the sofa.

“What would you guys like to have?”
“Eh.. a beer for me,” said one of them.

“Same here.” said the other one, sneezing once again and grabbing for a tissue.


Nakhul headed back to the bar. There was no sign of the man. Good.



He got 3 beers and rushed back to the table. The allergic twin was obsessively wiping her nose with a tissue while the other sat on the sofa beside her watching the mounted TV on the wall. It was the news with the sports segment on.


“So, what do you guys do?” Nakhul said aggressively pushing himself to sit between them on the sofa.

“We are fitness trainers,” one of the them said.
“Oh!” Nakhul said.

“Ya, feel it!” she said flexing her biceps, and Nakhul felt it and nodded impressed.
“But we are trained in martial arts and Judo too. We take self defense classes for women at Star Gym.” she said and then resumed sniffing.

“Oh! Thats....”
“What the hell!” the other twin interrupted, her eyes fixed on the TV. Nakhul and the other twin followed her gaze to the TV.



On the TV was a couple holding up a flier to the camera with “Missing. Please Help Us Find Her” written on it, followed by a phone number. And the picture of a girl. The picture of the same girl on Nakhul's home screen right then.


“7-year-old Angela has been missing since the last 5 days. If you have any information on her, please call the number listed below,” the newscaster said in a monotonous voice.



The twins turned to look at Nakhul at the same time. One of the twins grabbed his phone and looked at the wallpaper again. Yes. It was her.

“Where the hell is the girl??” she said pointing to the phone.
“What... no wait... I....”
“You said you left her somewhere before you came here. Where is she!??!” the other twin shouted.



Nakhul had had enough. He stood up to leave only to have the wind knocked out of him when one of twin's knees plowed into his stomach. He fell back on the sofa and the other twin wrapped her arm around his neck in a vice grip.

“Spit it out right now!” she shouted. Nakhul could feel the veins in his forehead starting to swell up.



Fortunately, he noticed the bouncers from earlier passing by. He shouted at them to get their attention, his voice coming out choked. He was relieved when he noticed that they had heard him and were now rapidly marching towards him. He had to hold on for a moment longer till they pulled these crazy women away from him. But then someone stopped the bouncers. Some asshole with a dog in his arm.



“Rakesh, its fine. I will take care of this.” the man said. The bouncers nodded, turned around, and walked away. The man then looked at Nakhul with an evil smile, and then he himself turned around and walked away.


“You got 3 seconds to tell us!!” said one of the twins bringing Nakhul's attention back to the matter at hand: The rapidly diminishing oxygen supply to his brain.
“No, lemme.... me.... explain...”
“1!” the other twin caught his arm and put it in a hold.
“It's... I wasn't... I dont know!”
“2!” he felt the increasing pressure on his arm to bend at an unnatural angle.

“I just … just found it on..... I dunno... I...”

“3!” He screamed as he felt his elbow dislocate.



The End.

- Rejo John 



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